The Death of A Saleman
by CSIMel
Summary: CSI Miami meets Napoleon Dynamite. Total comedy, not to be taken seriously by anyone. A six parter, flippin' complete. Please Review or i will never write again. Dramatic Sigh. Gosh! Idiot!
1. Uncle Rico

**The Death of A Salesman**

**Rating: G (so totally harmless)**

**Disclaimer: Don't own CSI: Miami of Napoleon Dynamite. Gosh!**

**Author's Note: I little idea I had floating around as I am currently suffering from some severe writers block from my other story _Bloody Valentine_. A movie/TV crossover, with CSI Miami and Napoleon Dynamite. No real romance or drama, just something I thought would be funny. Me and my wacky sense of humour. Anyway, I need to be motivated to write, so review or I'll release the hounds!**

Ltt. Horatio Caine and his team of CSI's arrived at a small caravan park near Robson beach. The place looked pretty empty, a few cars littered the car park. Over in the far end of the Caravan Park they saw their crime scene, an orange R.V. It was Ryan who said what they were all thinking.

"That has to be the ugliest thing I have ever seen." Ryan stated, as they made their way towards the R.V.

"Welcome to the eighties," Calleigh answered, Eric letting out a snicker.

They met Yelina at the door of the van.

"The victim's name is Rico Dynamite, age 37. The landlord found him like this two hours ago. The guy didn't pay his rent yesterday and he usually does." She said, moving a side for them to see inside. Inside the small van was their M.E., Alexx Woods.

"Poor thing, he was in the prime of his life," She turned to her colleagues. "No obvious cause of death, I'll have to open him up." Alexx lifted up his shirt. "Found some deep bruising on his chest, indicating possible suffocation."

As the assistant M.E's loaded the body onto the truck for transportation back to the morgue, the CSI's grabbed their torches and entered the dimly lit R.V. It contained a bed, a counter, a microwave, a small sofa and a black and white television and VCR. The walls were covered in football memorabilia, trophies and posters, many of them dating back to the eighties. The clothes in a duffel bag were also eighties.

"This guy was living in the past," Eric said, pointing at some tight blue flared pants. He looked around, his eyes focussing on a box in the corner. "24 piece Tupperware set. This guy was a travelling salesman."

"What colour hair did our victim have?" Ryan asked.

"Brown, why?" answered Calleigh.

"I've got a hair, brownish red, curly and thick. I'll look at it closer at the lab." Ryan stated, putting the hair into an evidence bag.

Horatio walked towards the cupboard underneath the TV. He opened it and gazed down in surprise. It was filled with ten and hundreds of videotapes. The others gathered round.

"What do you make of that, H?" Eric asked, "Do you think its porn?"

"Or something else he's obsessed with," Horatio said. He turned to face Ryan.

"Pack these up, I want them analysed at the lab." Horatio was about to walk out the door, when Calleigh called out.

"Hey guys, look at this," Calleigh called out. In her hand she held a small cylinder of Chap Stick.

"We could get some DNA off of that," Eric said "and compare it with the hair sample we found."

Ryan opened a small fridge/freezer next to the television set.

"Okay, this guy was seriously freaky," Ryan stated, shuffling around in the fridge "it's filled with steak and full fat milk."

"Some weird new diet, perhaps?" Calleigh suggested, shining her torch along the floor. "Hang on a minute," she paused, bending down, "I've got some shoeprints." She took a couple of photos and collected the evidence.

"Good job everybody," Horatio said, putting on his sunglasses "let's meet up at the lab."

As Horatio tore out of the parking lot in the hummer, Eric, Calleigh and Ryan were left packing up the evidence and kits.

"What were you like in the eighties, Cal?" Eric asked, half smirking.

"Oh, you know, big hair, puffy sleeves, bright blue eye shadow, the works," Ryan and Eric started laughing. "What?" Calleigh demanded.

"It's just hard to picture you dancing around to 'Video Killed the Radio Star', that's all." Ryan replied, laughing.

"Hey, don't insult the eighties classics," Calleigh warned, " 'Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun' won me a karaoke contest."

Ryan and Eric burst out laughing.

**Author's Note: Just decided to add those eighties songs, ties in with the whole Uncle Rico thing. Quick disclaimer: don't own any of the songs mentioned. Also, sorry for the shortness, the scenes with Napoleon and Kipwill be longer, and funnier. Now Review or I will never write again. This story is dedicated to my best friend, Jo, who loves Napoleon almost as much as I do!**


	2. Napoleon and Kip

**Author's Note: Firstly, I'd like to thank my bf, Jo for reviewing; you're such a sweetie. And a huge thanks to witchbsword, thank-you for having faith in me. This chapter is much funnier than the first, as it contains quotes from the movie and the introduction of Napoleon and Kip. So read, enjoy and review. Or I'll be very sad!**

Horatio and Calleigh walked up to the door of a small one-story house. It was a rough neighbourhood and Calleigh's hand moved closer to her gun. Horatio knocked on the door.

There was no answer.

"Perhaps they're not home," Calleigh suggested. Horatio knocked again. The door opened and they were met by a glamorous African American woman.

"Yes?" She said, indicating more of a question than a welcome.

Calleigh and Horatio flashed their badges.

"I'm Ltt. Horatio Caine and this is Det. Duquense. We're from the Miami-Dade crime lab." Horatio paused "Can we come in?"

The woman moved aside and Calleigh and Horatio entered and were ushered into a small cramped lounge room, containing an overstuffed couch and a couple of lounge chairs.

"Would Kip Dynamite be home?" Horatio asked.

"My husband?" The woman queried, "Kip, baby, the cops are here."

Calleigh eyed the woman, did she detect some pride in her voice. She turned to the doorway and gasped.

Standing there was a skinny guy, wearing baggy black pants and a puffy jacket. He had a bandana on his head and had so much bling around his neck that he was hunched over.

"Hey Lawfunduh," he said calmly, "wassup?"

"This is Ltt. Caine and Det. Duquense. They're from the crime lab." Lawfunduh said, gesturing towards them.

"Yo," Kip replied, making a downward motion with his hand, "what brings you to my crib?"

"Mr and Mrs Dynamite, we have some unfortunate news –" Horatio was interrupted by a red headed man who stormed in from the kitchen entrance.

"Way to eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!" He cried in disgust. He turned to face Horatio and Calleigh "Who are these guys?" he asked.

"This is Ltt. Caine and Det. Duquense. They're from the crime lab." Kip answered.

Calleigh let out a small sigh. She was beginning to get sick of their names.

"If it's about Pedro's cousins and they're sweet hook-ups, I don't know anything. I told you guys before! Gosh!" The man said, moving his head to the side.

"This is my brother from the same mother – Napoleon." Kip said, making a rapping motion.

Horatio nodded.

"As I was saying, I have some unfortunate news. Your Uncle, Rico Dynamite, is dead." Horatio paused, giving them a moment.

"Geez," Kip said, dropping his rapper persona, shaking his head in shock.

"Oh, Kip baby," Lawfunduh said, stroking his head.

"Do you think it was from the time machine?" Napoleon asked.

"Shut-up, Napoleon!" Kip snapped.

"What time machine?" Calleigh questioned.

"Uncle Rico bought a time machine to transport him back to 1982. Some of the side effects was it can cause death." Napoleon looked away.

Horatio and Calleigh exchanged glances. This kid was definitely stoned.

"I know this is hard for you, but we're going to have to take your prints and a DNA sample, just to rule you out as suspects."

The Dynamite's nodded their heads in agreement.

"Wait a minute," Napoleon interrupted, "you're not going to give my DNA to the government so they can clone me or anything like that, are you?"

Calleigh gave a forced smile.

"No, the governments too busy with healthcare and welfare to clone people."

"We're also going to have one of you to come down to the lab to identify the body." Horatio stated.

"Napoleon can do it." Kip said.

"No way!" He yelled "You haven't done flippin' anything all week!"

"You know how I'm training to become a rap star," Kip said "besides, I'm older."

"You're such a freakin' idiot, Kip!" Napoleon cried. "Fine, I'll go. I have to go to the mall, my girlfriend's having some glamour shots taken." Napoleon held out a picture of an attractive blonde. "It's her birthday."

Calleigh and Horatio thanked the Dynamite's for their time and expressed their deepest sympathies. On the way to the hummer, Calleigh spoke up.

"I can see why Rico live alone."

Horatio put on his sunglasses, a smile playing on his face. From the house they could here someone yelling.

"Gosh! Idiot!"

**End Note: So that's part 2, hope you liked. Happy Birthday to my bf Hayley, who also likes Napoleon. I'm starting to see a trend happening here! Anyway, please review. Gosh!**


	3. The Chap Stick

**THE CHAPSTICK**

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated for so long, I was busy with school and stuff, damn school! Any hoo, I also got distracted with my NCIS fic and other fics I have been planning, and I've kind of over looked this one. But I promise to my faithful reviewers that I will finish this story in the next week or two. So here's part three, read, review and enjoy!**

Alexx Woods was finishing some paper work when Horatio walked into the lab.

"Have you done the post on Rico Dynamite?" Horatio asked.

"Yes, Horatio," Alexx handed him a file "died of a heart attack."

"So the death was accidental?" Horatio asked.

"Not necessarily," Alexx replied "the bruising may have been caused by something heavy on the chest. This would've increased pressure on the heart, resulting in a heart attack." **(A/N: this may not be true, but for the sake of my fic, it is.)**

_Ring Ring!_

Alexx lent over to answer the phone.

"Dr Woods," Alexx answered.

"Okay, thanks." Alexx hung up the phone. "Napoleon Dynamite is at the reception desk. Does that name mean anything to you?"

Horatio nodded.

"He's identifying the body." Horatio left the room. He arrived at the foyer, to hear the redheaded young man yelling into the phone.

"Can you bring me my chap stick?"

Horatio paused, considering this.

"But my lips hurt real bad! What do you mean you don't know where it is? Fine!" Napoleon hung up the phone. "Idiot!"

"Napoleon Dynamite?" Horatio asked, as he walked up to the teenager.

"Yeah, who's asking?" Napoleon answered, looking away.

"I'm Ltt. Caine, we met the other day," Horatio answered, "Could you follow me this way please."

They walked towards the elevator. A few seconds later, Napoleon spoke up.

"If you ever need a police profiler, give me a call," Napoleon handed Horatio a business card with his details and a picture of a liger on it. "That's probably the best picture I've ever drawn."

Horatio nodded in reply and put the card in his pocket. The lift stopped and they hopped out. Horatio led the way to the morgue.

"This is our M.E, Alexx Woods," Horatio said, introducing Napoleon.

"Hey," Napoleon replied, looking away.

Alexx led them over to a metal table. She lifted the sheet.

"Is that your Uncle?" Horatio softly asked Napoleon.

"Yeah, what do you think?" Napoleon snapped "Gosh!"

Alexx and Horatio chose to ignore his comment.

"Were you close to your Uncle?" Alexx asked.

"I guess," he said "I mean, he threw a steak at me once and totally ruined my life, but yeah, he was my Uncle."

Horatio thanked Alexx and they headed towards the lift. They stopped at the reception level and hopped out.

"Well, see you." Napoleon said, and ran out of the building.

_Strange kid._ Horatio thought, as he took the elevator back up to the lab.

He entered one of the rooms where the team were waiting for him.

"What have we got?" Horatio asked, placing his hands on his hips.

Ryan spoke up.

"I compared the hair we found at the scene to the DNA we got off the Chap Stick. It's a match."

Horatio nodded.

"Then I compared it to the samples we got off the Dynamite's. It's a match to Napoleon."

"Okay, what about the video tapes?" Horatio asked.

Calleigh flopped down on a chair.

"Tape after tape of Uncle Rico throwing a football. So tedious I almost wished it was porn." Calleigh said sighing.

Ryan and Eric snickered.

"So we rolled snake eyes," Horatio replied. He turned to Eric. "Anything from the shoe print?"

Eric showed them a picture of a pair of shoes.

"Moon boots, size 10 ½. Very popular in the mid-eighties." Eric shook his head "Over a million of them sold in America alone, most of them probably in op shops. Not much to tell off the print, though."

"If I remember correctly," Calleigh said, thinking aloud "Napoleon Dynamite was wearing moon boots."

"That he did." Horatio said.

"Didn't he mention something about his Uncle ruining his life?" Ryan asked.

"Sounds like a motive to me," Eric said.

"Do you really think this kid is capable of murder?" Calleigh asked, the question directed at Horatio.

"With this kid," Horatio said, placing his hands on his hips "anything's possible."

**A/N: Review, or I'll unleash Pedro's cousins on you!**


	4. The Tots

**The Tots**

**A/N: Hey, guys, again sorry about the long breaks between updates. I'm finding it hard to be inspired, as I lent my Napoleon Dynamite DVD to my friend and SHE HASN'T GIVEN IT BACK! Okay Mel, deep breath, you can do this. Any hoo, thanks again to reviewers for doing what you do best, review.**

**Note to witchbsword: The comment Horatio says 'so we rolled snake eyes' was said in a Miami episode by Eric, meaning he didn't find anything. I've wanted to use that phrase for a while now, so I shoved it in there. Just wanted to clear that up.**

Napoleon Dynamite was sitting in the interrogation room, pulling tots out of his pocket ad eating them. Eric, Calleigh and Ryan had been watching this for five minutes and were well beyond intrigued.

"$50 this kid is stoned," Ryan said, looking at the others.

Eric shrugged

"Hey man, I'm with you on this one," Eric agreed.

"$100 he's clean," Calleigh said, smiling "$50 each."

"You're on," Eric said, shaking her hand.

They glanced over to Napoleon, who was situated on the other side of the mirrored glass. Horatio walked in.

"Hey, what's the flippin' deal?" Napoleon asked angrily "I've got stuff to do!"

Horatio sat down opposite him.

"Well, I'm sure this 'stuff' can wait. I have a few questions for you."

Horatio pushed a plastic cup towards the teenager.

"Firstly, we're going to need a urine sample."

"What?" Napoleon cried. "I'm not going to do that!"

"We have a warrant," Horatio said quietly "you're Chap Stick and hair was found at the crime scene. We also need to test you for drugs."

"I'm not on any freakin' drugs!" Napoleon yelled. "Gosh!"

Horatio stared at the youth coolly. This officer will show you to the bathrooms. A police officer came and led Napoleon away.

"That's my cue," Ryan muttered and exited.

A few minutes later, Napoleon entered and sat back down.

"I also have a warrant for your moon boots." Horatio said, pulling on some gloves.

"If I had done Rex-quon-do, this never would've happened," Napoleon muttered, pulling off his boots.

Horatio left the interrogation room. Eric and Calleigh continued to watch as the young man reached into his pocket to pull out some more tots.

"Are you sure you don't want to back out of your bet?" Eric asked.

Calleigh smiled, determined.

"Oh, I'm perfectly sure."

10 minutes later, Horatio entered the interrogation room where Calleigh and Eric were sitting.

Ryan opened his wallet and fished out $50.

"Here you go Cal," he said defeated.

"Damn!" Eric muttered.

Calleigh smiled to herself and turned her full attention to the interrogation room.

"Your urine sample came up negative for drugs," Horatio said.

"See! I told you!" Napoleon replied. "Gosh! Idiot!"

"But your shoes matched the print we found in your Uncle's R.V." Horatio stated, "Do you want to tell me what you were doing there that day?"

"Why don't you go tell your Mom to tell you!" Napoleon shot back.

Horatio sighed. He was quickly becoming sick of these games.

"Let me put it to you straight," Horatio said calmly "you're facing a murder charge and 25 years, minimum. Now, why were you at your Uncle Rico's?"

Napoleon sighed.

"Earlier that day, Uncle Rico had come to our house. We weren't home, but when we got back, we noticed half our steak was missing – Uncle Rico had stolen our flippin' steak! Again! So Kip made me go and get it back, cause he was meeting his homeys, or something. I was just about to steal it, but I heard Uncle Rico coming, and I ran." Napoleon sighed. "That's what happened, Gosh!"

Horatio nodded.

"When we looked in the fridge, all we found was steak and milk. Can you tell us anything about that?"

"That's all he flippin' eats!" Napoleon answered.

Horatio left the room and met the others.

"I think he's telling the truth," Horatio said.

"It's a too far-fetched story to be a lie!" Calleigh exclaimed.

"Here's what we're going to do," Horatio said, glancing at Napoleon "we're going to cut this kid free and meet back at the lab. I have a theory."

**A/N: Okay, that was the interrogation chapter. Hope you enjoyed it! I personally love the tots. You don't know how tempted I was to have Horatio say "Hey Napoleon, give us some of your tots!" Back to fic, please review, and if you have any phrases from the movie you want in the story, just email them to me.**


	5. Milk And Steak

**MILK AND STEAK**

**A/N: Howdy folks, sorry for the break. I've been working on a couple of other fics and have 'accidentally' forgotten about this one. This is the fifth part, and is basically a review of the evidence and what really happened. Sorry if the science is out, as I'm too lazy to research it. So enjoy.**

The CSI's gathered around Horatio as he and Alexx entered the lab.

"So our original suspect was Napoleon," Horatio said, pointing to a photo on a display board "why is that?"

"We found his hair and his chap stick in the RV," Calleigh answered.

"Yes, but did we find any physical evidence on the body?" He asked.

"Only the bruising on Rico's chest," Ryan said "but we already worked out that it was caused from pressure."

"Exactly, from a 65 kg weight – the exact weight of Napoleon Dynamite." Eric stated.

Alexx spoke up.

"Which in the turn caused immense pressure on the heart, leading to a heart attack."

"What if the heart attack wasn't caused by pressure on the chest?" Horatio asked.

"The main cause of death in America is heart attacks. Our victim had high blood pressure and high cholesterol." Alexx said.

"All main factors in heart problems," Calleigh sighed "but half the country has those symptoms."

"There is also a history of heart problems in the Dynamite family." Alexx pointed out.

"Someone should tell Kip to lay off the chips," Eric joked.

"What about his diet Alexx?" Ryan asked, "Could all that steak and full fat milk have contributed to a heart attack?"

"Definitely," Alexx replied.

"What about the bruising?" Eric asked.

"The tight t-shirts," Horatio said "they cut off the circulation, slowing down the blood flow."

"So with the other symptoms and the diet they all would've contributed to a heart attack?" Calleigh enquired.

"Hey, I'm no cardiologist," Alexx answered "but in my opinion, it would've been a pretty heavy weight to cause that damage. Heart attacks can occur anytime."

"So Rico's death was an accident? Gosh! Who would've thought?" Ryan exclaimed.

"You got to admit it though," Eric said, thinking aloud "that kid was pretty weird. On the way to the interrogation room he was telling me about his hunting expedition in Alaska. Where he was hunting Wolverines."

Everyone laughed.

"Napoleon told me that if I was interested he could set me up with his best friend, Pedro Sanchez." Calleigh said, grinning.

"He may have been weird, but he wasn't a murderer," Horatio stated "and that's really what matters."

"Yeah," Ryan agreed, moving his head quickly to the side "Gosh!"

Everyone burst out laughing. Case flippin' closed.


	6. Ashes To Ashes

**ASHES TO ASHES**

**A/N: Here's the final chapter of the story. So if I freaked you guys out with the last one, but I said six parts and I'll do six flippin parts. Gosh!**

Horatio stood on the edge of the football field looking over the proceedings below.

There were six people standing on the field; Napoleon, Kip, Lawfunduh, an older woman and two other teenagers. On a small card table sat an urn.

Oh, and the old lady had a lama.

"Tina, you fat lard! Stop eating the flowers!" Napoleon yelled.

"For Christ sakes Napoleon, give it a rest!" The old lady yelled.

"Sorry Grandma," He mumbled.

Kip mimicked Napoleons apology.

"Shut-up Kip! Why don't you go eat a decrodent piece of crap!"

"Napoleon!" His Grandmother yelled.

Napoleon went quiet and started pulling out tots from his pocket.

Kip cleared his throat and pulled out a piece of paper. He started singing softly.

_Uncle Rico_

_You loved you steak and milk-o_

_You sold Tupa-ware_

_At a reasonable fare_

_Uncle Rico_

_You loved foot ball-o_

_You could've been a star_

_Instead you died in your car_

_If life was a movie, you played a major part_

_You will always be deep in our hearts_

_You were there for the highs, and the lows_

_You were living your life like an eighties show_

_You were a swell guy, that's a fact_

_Who knew steak could cause a heart attack?_

_You lived a good life, full and long_

_We'll miss you always, now that you're gone._

Everyone was crying silently and Kip threw the ashes into the wind. Napoleon walked over to where Horatio was standing.

The youth looked Horatio in the eye; he had ashes in his hair.

"Thanks," Napoleon said solemnly. He walked away.

Horatio watched as the teen walked towards his loved ones, noticing he had ashes in his hair.

"Gross you sicko!" He cried "Gosh! Idiot!"

Horatio put on his sunglasses and walked away. Gosh indeed.

**A/N: So that's the end of that. Thanks to those who stuck through this story, and offered me lines to use. You guys are flippin' sweet! I think I'll go play some tetherball now. Anyone want to play me?**


End file.
